14 April

I spotted a stray eyelash under my right eye today. In typical fashion, I positioned it on my index finger to recite my usual wish. Then it occurred to me that my wish didn't apply anymore. No, I have not gotten it- it has expired. The eyelash magic had failed me.


Some people brim with hope, because it's the only option they've got. Others are disillusioned from too many an unfufilled wish; they are jaded, they are cynical, and they wish to stay that way.

Everyone's caught in the vicious cycle of desperately trying to make their transition to either of these categories. Logic tells us that we hold our future in our weak, grimy hands, that you get what you deserve and only what you deserve, but everyone suffers bouts of synapse disconnections and we're back to thinking that we can actually overcome the unknown and win the lottery. It's ridiculous, the way we clutch at transient rays of light, much like a drowning man clutching at straws.



Toughies are toughies. We make it through the shit times :).

I feel bloody cheated because that is what I am- cheated.


My blind-to-price habit is back; I'm back to not checking out the price of stuff even though I am earning a very minimal wage. What's worse is that I have somehow begun to trust online spree-ers and am going on a spreeing spree.

To my defence, my wardrobe looks like a guy's wardrobe- very, very predictable. You probably can name five of my shirts right off the top of your head because I've been wearing them to death. And buying trend-insensitive pieces at discounted prices makes for good investments, no?

Argh, I just realised I bought more casual clothes. I'm not supposed to, not until I get a few more dressier ones anyway.



I am determined to earn as much as possible this holiday. The money will go to:

• a netbook
• a new phone
• new glasses for mum
  
• nice dinner with Pear
• Pear's 21st birthday present
• my bank account (and stay there)
  

Please feel free to hit me - and this is the only way you are allowed to hit me - with tuition lobangs if you have any, thanks.



Sometimes, I wish I were an island.

The ELF Graduation Dinner is over. My life as an ELF has officially ended.



May 2006

Unlike the many hopefuls here, I do not especially wish to get into ELF. All I want is to not embarrass myself in front of everyone. I came to this selection to accompany Jen, to somehow build her confidence while shielding her from the terror that is Mr X.

Ivan turns the spotlight on me by asking me to lead my team at Meuse. He is doing that to give me a chance to prove myself; he doesn't know that that is the last thing I need. I give haphazard directions and eventually my voice gets drowned out. It's blindingly obvious that I have messed up.



March 2007

Watching Sheena and Han Jun leave for their interviews, something stirs inside me. Something that feels a lot like longing. I immediately squelch it.

I would not be running for main committee for the right reasons. Hell, I am not even in ELF for the right reasons; I joined to accompany a friend and stayed to keep the friends I had made. And now, I want to be in the committee for the sake of being in a committee, for the want of something to busy myself with.


A few days later, I am crowned as ELF's new Assistant Secretary. I never asked for it; ELF had a shortage of manpower, and I was there to plug the hole.



July 2007

Kama must be my accumulation of bad karma. And Jaz is there to jazz it up even more. Lame puns, I know, but not as lame as how those two guys make me feel. The former never fails to make me feel guilty for not having yet sent out the email that has a deadline of tomorrow*, and the latter always mocks my char bee hoon**.

For the thousandth time, I ask myself what I am doing here, heading a craft that I have no talent in. The answer is always the same; I don't know, but I don't want to leave.


******


We are facing our greatest challenge yet. I try to keep my calm as I dole out instructions; no one follows a weak leader. I have grown to like weilding my power, but I am well aware that a single rebel in the troop could foil my plans. To emerge glorious, I have to keep my wits by me, and that is by no means an easy feat.



Present Day

Some people join a craft and leave being the craft. Kama is a fine example of that. Me, not so.

ELF and I had an unconventional affair. It was one without passion, yet it had brought me to highs that I would not have otherwise reached. It was one that allowed me to wear the pants, yet it rendered me vulnerable to my participants. It was, and still is, one that I hold close to my heart, even though I can never love it the way I should. Sometimes, I wish we could have had a more normal relationship, but that's alright, the status quo is fine the way it is.




* I'm sure I was being too sensitive. Kama was probably just asking me and I felt like he was pressurising me.

** Jaz is crazy about this whole ELF thing. He probably couldn't understand why I kept messing up stuff that I was passionate about. Now you know - I wasn't.

I have to say though, that despite all the times that I felt like socking them in the stomach, these guys are pretty darn cool :).