The ELF Graduation Dinner is over. My life as an ELF has officially ended.



May 2006

Unlike the many hopefuls here, I do not especially wish to get into ELF. All I want is to not embarrass myself in front of everyone. I came to this selection to accompany Jen, to somehow build her confidence while shielding her from the terror that is Mr X.

Ivan turns the spotlight on me by asking me to lead my team at Meuse. He is doing that to give me a chance to prove myself; he doesn't know that that is the last thing I need. I give haphazard directions and eventually my voice gets drowned out. It's blindingly obvious that I have messed up.



March 2007

Watching Sheena and Han Jun leave for their interviews, something stirs inside me. Something that feels a lot like longing. I immediately squelch it.

I would not be running for main committee for the right reasons. Hell, I am not even in ELF for the right reasons; I joined to accompany a friend and stayed to keep the friends I had made. And now, I want to be in the committee for the sake of being in a committee, for the want of something to busy myself with.


A few days later, I am crowned as ELF's new Assistant Secretary. I never asked for it; ELF had a shortage of manpower, and I was there to plug the hole.



July 2007

Kama must be my accumulation of bad karma. And Jaz is there to jazz it up even more. Lame puns, I know, but not as lame as how those two guys make me feel. The former never fails to make me feel guilty for not having yet sent out the email that has a deadline of tomorrow*, and the latter always mocks my char bee hoon**.

For the thousandth time, I ask myself what I am doing here, heading a craft that I have no talent in. The answer is always the same; I don't know, but I don't want to leave.


******


We are facing our greatest challenge yet. I try to keep my calm as I dole out instructions; no one follows a weak leader. I have grown to like weilding my power, but I am well aware that a single rebel in the troop could foil my plans. To emerge glorious, I have to keep my wits by me, and that is by no means an easy feat.



Present Day

Some people join a craft and leave being the craft. Kama is a fine example of that. Me, not so.

ELF and I had an unconventional affair. It was one without passion, yet it had brought me to highs that I would not have otherwise reached. It was one that allowed me to wear the pants, yet it rendered me vulnerable to my participants. It was, and still is, one that I hold close to my heart, even though I can never love it the way I should. Sometimes, I wish we could have had a more normal relationship, but that's alright, the status quo is fine the way it is.




* I'm sure I was being too sensitive. Kama was probably just asking me and I felt like he was pressurising me.

** Jaz is crazy about this whole ELF thing. He probably couldn't understand why I kept messing up stuff that I was passionate about. Now you know - I wasn't.

I have to say though, that despite all the times that I felt like socking them in the stomach, these guys are pretty darn cool :).